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Fighting the Mirror...

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Hi. I'm Laura. I'm eighteen and live in Paris. My biggest passion is music, especially cello and singing. I also really like to write and draw in my spare time. On a more serious note, I am bulimic, with periods of AN-binge purge subtype, and suffer from PTSD...but I'm doing my best to turn that chapter in my life :), and this blog is here to tell that story. This blog is not intended to be triggering, I apologise if you find it so.If you believe that you or someone you know may be suffering from an eating disorder, please check out these sites: NEDA (USA): http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-help-support; b-eat (UK): http://www.b-eat.co.uk/get-help/about-eating-disorders/ Something Fishy: http://www.something-fishy.orgAlternatively, if you just want to talk, my Ask box is open... I am here for every single one of you. Xo

IG : journey2recovered


Anonymous asked: Hi well I'm sorry I said that. I was only trying to be somewhat supportive. :( Usually those types of things reassure me but I'm sorry if I made you upset


Answer:

Hey… I’m sorry love. That was really harsh of me… I shouldn’t get mad at others for my own problems. It’s not your fault I’ve gone right back to my bulimia days in terms of behaviours lately… i shouldn’t expect everyone else to understand what it is to binge (as opposed to reactive eating)… I just sometimes get frustrated with people who see I have an ED and then tell me that my binges are not a problem and ‘no big deal’ and that i shouldn’t worry about it because it’s helping my body… But it’s a big deal to me. And in the long term it could be harmful to my health, if I don’t stop the cycle… So yeah. That’s why. And because I’m in a really bad place.

I’m really sorry if I hurt you. I know you only wanted to help. I appreciate the sentiment, I really do.

All my love, Laura xx

— 6 hours ago
"I love you,
From your Sunday morning best
To your nightmare-filled nights,
From your untied shoelaces
To your 4.0 GPA.
This is me,
Reassuring you,
That I love you at your best
And I love you at your worst."
M.J.N. (#691: October 8, 2014)

(Source: write2014, via fre-ed)

— 6 hours ago with 703 notes

If I receive one more message from people telling me it’s ‘a good thing’ I binged on that malt loaf because ‘your body needs it’ I will actually scream.

I am not underweight by a LONG way, I am not under eating in the day. I am just shoving food I don’t want into my mouth as a way of punishing myself or hurting myself or releasing anger. So stop trying to tell me it’s healthy. Cos that’s bullshit.
— 6 hours ago with 7 notes
#ed recovery  #anorexia binge purge  #bulimia  #trigger warning 
simply-divine-creation:

She is clothed in strength and dignity & she laughs without fear of the future ~ Proverbs 31:25  » Sarah A Campbell Design

simply-divine-creation:

She is clothed in strength and dignity & she laughs without fear of the future ~ Proverbs 31:25  » Sarah A Campbell Design

(via recoveringolivia)

— 11 hours ago with 5097 notes
Anonymous asked: Hey - read your last post - I am feeling the same pain. Do you weigh yourself? I have been weighing myself increasingly and it makes me feel a zillion times worse. I have been in these cycles before and I know the only way out is to stop purging, stop restricting and immerse myself in work/socialising/exercise/hobbies. I hope we can get out of the trap xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Answer:

No I don’t weigh myself, well I’ve done so twice at the gym but that’s all. I don’t really care if I gain of lose weight tbh. What I care about is the effects that either restriction or b/p have on my health and performance… I’m so so sorry that you are stuck in this trap as well. Never give up. Never ever ever. I am not. Even with all the days I’ve screwed up, I still start every single day with the intention of fighting…Anything is better than just letting it take me without a fight 😞. Hugs… Thanks for your support… Xx L

— 21 hours ago
foodmemikeg:

Seared Salmon Big Mac with Peaches, Chipotle Remoulade and Arugula on an Everything Bagel

foodmemikeg:

Seared Salmon Big Mac with Peaches, Chipotle Remoulade and Arugula on an Everything Bagel

(via fattygoodfood)

— 1 day ago with 36 notes
Anonymous asked: Where is (alice) recoverymoose tumblr? :( it sais that it requires a password..


Answer:

She is still around but too many people in her real life/who know her personally have found her recovery account so she has made it private, meaning you need to have the password to access her account… If you want to be able to see her recovery tumblr send her a NON-ANONYMOUS message to her normal account (aliceafresh) and she may give it to you. xx L

— 1 day ago with 1 note
TW bingeing/bulimia

I just can’t stop bingeing. I’m so sick of it. Day after day after day reaching 5000, 6000, 10000 calories that I don’t want, that my body is screaming at me not to consume… Yet I do it anyway 😭. Why?! Why do I do it? I hate every minute of it. I hate what I eat, how I eat it, the pain & guilt after it, and what it does to my body… The only thing I like about it is the comfort of eating. The numbness. But even that is short lived and just gets overtaken by yet more guilt and self hate…

I confess I threw up today. Not everything. I ate again afterwards, in the evening. I just could cope. I’m screwing up so much. These binges i have had lately have been some of the biggest of my entire life. I’m terrified of what I am doing to my body. The purging, damaging my throat/esophagus and killing my electrolytes, the intermittent sudden intakes of extremely large quantities food stretching my stomach walls to the point of potential rupture… I am doing so much harm to my body… I so badly want accountability because I want it to stop. I want someone to keep me on track, to keep me on a normal, non-restrictive, non-excessive, healthy eating plan. I just want to be normal 😞.

Ahh I’m sorry for being so negative… I can’t believe I was anorexic only a few months ago… Tbh, it all just feels like a long lost memory, and A lot of the time struggle to believe that it is even my own.

— 1 day ago with 5 notes
#ed recovery  #bulimia  #anorexia  #binge eating  #binge eating disorder  #fat ass  #trigger warning  #struggling  #food binge  #no control 
blue-bonbons:

judithsears:

SWEET JESUS.
GIVE ME PIZZA HEARTS NAO.

N’awh

blue-bonbons:

judithsears:

SWEET JESUS.

GIVE ME PIZZA HEARTS NAO.

N’awh

(via metamorphosisofmeg)

— 1 day ago with 45581 notes
Guys I’m so happy!!!

I just found out I made it into the touring group for the choir I auditioned for earlier in the year, but didn’t make it in to!

Basically, the core choir is only 15 people per part, but they extend the group to 80 people for the choir tour, meaning that they take an extra five people per part for the touring choir… And I just got a message saying that I was second on the reserve list, which means I am IN the touring choir!!!

It’s not all that I wanted, but it’s something 😊. I am genuinely ecstatic right now… All I want is an opportunity to sing!!!

Gah. I don’t even care that my whole day was super unhealthy, and I even came home and had some digestive biscuits. I am singing, and that is ALL that matters 😊😊

🎉🎉🎉

— 2 days ago with 13 notes
#singing  #choir  #happy  #tour choir  #yay  #university 
Dessert! Disclaimer before people get pissed at me I DID NOT EAT ALL THIS. This was the only thing I could choose due to the restrictions for the £14 deal… Didn’t really feel like cake, so I just had the frosting and the ice cream, both of which I thoroughly enjoyed ☺️ #edrecovery  #chocolatecake #iccream #diningout #food #dinner #pizzaexpress

Dessert! Disclaimer before people get pissed at me I DID NOT EAT ALL THIS. This was the only thing I could choose due to the restrictions for the £14 deal… Didn’t really feel like cake, so I just had the frosting and the ice cream, both of which I thoroughly enjoyed ☺️ #edrecovery #chocolatecake #iccream #diningout #food #dinner #pizzaexpress

— 2 days ago with 3 notes
#food  #edrecovery  #dinner  #iccream  #pizzaexpress  #diningout  #chocolatecake 
Trying not to freak out about the fact that our planned trip to Wagamama’s took a sudden turn when they didn’t have any tables for 14, and we ended up at Pizza Express?? We decided we would all get the 3 courses for £14, as it was the only financially viable option… But that did restrict the options to fairly ‘unhealthy’ starters & desserts… Eek! I settled on doughballs, the superfood salad and I am yet to select dessert… Wish me luck 😬😬 #edrecovery  #anorexiabingepurge #bulimiarecovery #anorexiarecovery #pizzaexpress #doighballs #foodporn #fearfood

Trying not to freak out about the fact that our planned trip to Wagamama’s took a sudden turn when they didn’t have any tables for 14, and we ended up at Pizza Express?? We decided we would all get the 3 courses for £14, as it was the only financially viable option… But that did restrict the options to fairly ‘unhealthy’ starters & desserts… Eek! I settled on doughballs, the superfood salad and I am yet to select dessert… Wish me luck 😬😬 #edrecovery #anorexiabingepurge #bulimiarecovery #anorexiarecovery #pizzaexpress #doighballs #foodporn #fearfood

— 2 days ago with 5 notes
#foodporn  #bulimiarecovery  #anorexiabingepurge  #anorexiarecovery  #doighballs  #fearfood  #pizzaexpress  #edrecovery 

bandanabeth:

You did it.
You made it.
It’s Friday and you made it through another week of school and work and all that other not fun stuff
Go you! Why not have a nap and a good dessert? You deserve it.

(via desiretoheal)

— 2 days ago with 38702 notes
Things are not exactly brilliant right now. Food-wise, they are not TOOO bad actually, PTW I haven’t purged in over a week, which doesn’t sound that great when you say it like that, but it’s a lot better than a short while back, when I was doing it several times a day… I have been a biiit controlling, not wanting to eat hall meals etc, but I’m trying to challenge that as well now that I’ve been purge free for a bit… 

In other news, I am extremely unwell. Yesterday, I had to skip my lab session (which are compulsory and count towards our degree!) because I felt so so sick. I felt dizzy, feverish, a teensy bit delirious even😬? as well as having a whopping headache, achey muscles, and a dreadful sore throat.. I tried to ring the doctor, but I was unable to get a same-day appointment.. I spent most of the day in bed, except when I came into uni for the practical, only to be sent home by the lecturer, who told me I looked too unwell and said I wouldn’t be penalized, which was lovely of her… Still feel a bit bad about skipping class though 😕. I then quickly went to the supermarket to buy some paracetamol, tissues, soothing tea & chicken soup before heading home to bed! 

I also think I may have broken my thumb?!? It is either broken or severely bruised/dislocated… I accidentally jammed it in my drawer on Thursday night and it hurt so so badly and swelled up to literally twice the size of my other thumb… And it is extremely difficult to move and I can’t move it beyond a certain point… 

I was a total emotional wreck yesterday. Being sick really didn’t help. All my friends went out without me, except for one girl who I saw later and who watched titanic with me whilst eating popcorn (which really appealed considering I had barely eaten all day due to sleeping for the better part of it…). It reminded me of how alone & vulnerable I am… I really miss the safety of home. I don’t miss the mess of my family, and the issues and the fighting and the unhealthy relationships  that I have back there… But it’s still my family, and I love them, and I feel safe there. Here, I’m on my own.  #sick #fever #update #edrecovery #bulimiarecovery #studentlife

Things are not exactly brilliant right now. Food-wise, they are not TOOO bad actually, PTW I haven’t purged in over a week, which doesn’t sound that great when you say it like that, but it’s a lot better than a short while back, when I was doing it several times a day… I have been a biiit controlling, not wanting to eat hall meals etc, but I’m trying to challenge that as well now that I’ve been purge free for a bit…

In other news, I am extremely unwell. Yesterday, I had to skip my lab session (which are compulsory and count towards our degree!) because I felt so so sick. I felt dizzy, feverish, a teensy bit delirious even😬? as well as having a whopping headache, achey muscles, and a dreadful sore throat.. I tried to ring the doctor, but I was unable to get a same-day appointment.. I spent most of the day in bed, except when I came into uni for the practical, only to be sent home by the lecturer, who told me I looked too unwell and said I wouldn’t be penalized, which was lovely of her… Still feel a bit bad about skipping class though 😕. I then quickly went to the supermarket to buy some paracetamol, tissues, soothing tea & chicken soup before heading home to bed!

I also think I may have broken my thumb?!? It is either broken or severely bruised/dislocated… I accidentally jammed it in my drawer on Thursday night and it hurt so so badly and swelled up to literally twice the size of my other thumb… And it is extremely difficult to move and I can’t move it beyond a certain point…

I was a total emotional wreck yesterday. Being sick really didn’t help. All my friends went out without me, except for one girl who I saw later and who watched titanic with me whilst eating popcorn (which really appealed considering I had barely eaten all day due to sleeping for the better part of it…). It reminded me of how alone & vulnerable I am… I really miss the safety of home. I don’t miss the mess of my family, and the issues and the fighting and the unhealthy relationships that I have back there… But it’s still my family, and I love them, and I feel safe there. Here, I’m on my own. #sick #fever #update #edrecovery #bulimiarecovery #studentlife

— 2 days ago with 2 notes
#studentlife  #fever  #bulimiarecovery  #update  #sick  #edrecovery